Do you ever just wonder why you haven't been able to reach your goals? Or why you don't think you're good enough? How about thinking everyone is better at what you do than you are?
That's where I have found myself as of late. I'm in my head and not my heart. My brain has taken over and I've stopped paying attention to my heart. I have wanted to be a professional photographer since I was a kid taking photos of my pet rabbit. Thumper was my favourite subject. I worked hard at putting a portfolio together when I finally decided that Photography was what I would go to school for. I was accepted to the one (and only - stupid right?) program I applied to. I was ecstatic. I knew my future was me with a camera in my hand from that day on.
Except it hasn't been.
And that makes me sad. Sure I spent a few years after college working as a cruise ship photographer taking photographs all around the world of of cool places and interesting (and not so interesting) people. But when I left that ship life behind and walked into a new reality of life without a constant reason to be shooting, I kind of lost myself. I have worked many jobs since then. All in different fields, different locations and different reasons. But really the reason boils down to being scared to really make my dreams a reality - being too in my head. Yeah, there have been outside factors as to why I haven't pursued photography full time, but it really does come down to my fear of failing myself and that dream becoming a nightmare. I have always continued shooting and creating, even when I was doing other things, even had a job at a photo studio for a few years. But it wasn't what I had dreamed of. I want to be successful at this for myself, not creating someone else's content or vision.
I struggle with sometimes explaining what my vision is and how I see things. Explaining my heart to my head so to speak. I tend to see things differently than most. I don't know if it comes from all my travel and interaction with other cultures, from always having a big imagination or just being "a creative soul". But I want to express this vision to others through the way I photograph the world and those around me. Some people might think it's a little off-kilter or out of the box but why is normal such a good thing? Why doesn't everyone want to be unique and special. I see all these photographers around me doing the same thing and creating the same kind of images. It's what "makes the easy money". But that's not what is in my heart or my head and not how I see the world.
I want to make my mark on the creative imagery world and change the way people think about a photography session. I want to have fun and love what I do again. I want to be the one that creates art for your wall that people are wow'd by and you can say "that's me you know!" when they see a beautiful image on your wall. They might not be typical portraits but they will be art. And art makes a statement. I want to create that statement.
I truly believe I am going to make my dream a reality soon. I have a new determination for it that I haven't felt in a while. My life isn't quite what I thought it would be at this point, so I am going push harder and stronger to stop dreaming and start living it out. I have someone behind me these days that really believes in me, and is doing everything in his power to help me make this dream a reality. And for that I am so grateful. He helped me finally get my home studio set up. It's not big and it's not fancy and not perfect - YET - but it's my space and my studio. And somewhere I know I can create great images and make things happen.
As C.S Lewis said, "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." So I will make this dream a goal and find something new to dream about when this goal becomes a reality.
See you through the lens.
Kate